17. True Consent
Updated: 7 hours ago
**Trigger warning: In this post, I write about contexts related to sexual trauma, including those unable to consent, or who have not consented, and additional myths about consent. I do not write explicit details.**
What Is Consent?
I'd like to address a vital factor involved in all sexual interaction. The word is consent, and its meaning has been greatly misunderstood by many for a long time. Let's examine consent as it relates to sexual involvement.
Webster's Dictionary definition of the word consent: (verb) 1. to give assent or approval, and (noun) 1. compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another, 2. agreement as to action or opinion
How I further define consent: Consent means consciously, intentionally, through one's own decision making process, with access to mental clarity, and without pressure, coercion, or force from anyone else, expressing interest in participating in a sexual connection with another. Consent conveys interest in participating, and is a mandatory precursor to any and all sexual involvement.
Who Can Consent?
The ability of a person to give true consent is related to several factors, such as mental coherence, autonomy, and without undue influence from power dynamics. The ideal circumstance under which consent can be given includes that everyone be of age, un-impaired by substances, and recognize and respect that if consent is not offered by all involved, nothing can take place.
Who Cannot Consent?
There are some circumstances in which consent is not possible. Underage people are not able to consent to sexual contact with adults. This is the legal concept of the age of consent, which indicates that there is a certain line which is not safely crossable, related to power dynamics, and physical and emotional maturity levels. For the same reasons, this same inability to provide consent is the case for any person who has a developmental disability and therefore cannot consent to sexual interaction with those who do not have developmental disabilities. Also of significance, those who are intoxicated to the point of any combination of cognitive impairment, slurred speech, blurred vision, dizziness, being off-balance, falling over, inability to move, or who have passed out cannot consent to sexual involvement, due to either a lack of mental clarity or physical control, or those dynamics combined.
Any and all sexual actions taken against a person who cannot consent are wrong, they are damaging, and they are sexual assault.
Misperceptions About Consent
One person could think that someone smiling indicates a want to have sex, but the person smiling may just be expressing happiness in the present moment, and nothing more than that. That's an example of two people ascribing different meaning to the same facial gesture, and it's one of the reasons why clear verbal consent is a necessary precursor to sexual activity. It's not enough to rely on reading facial or body cues, because they don't always indicate what we interpret them to mean. When we think we know what other people are interested in, we might not be guessing correctly. This is why it is all the more necessary to verbally clarify interest from all parties prior to engaging in any sexual contact.
This relates, once again, to the issue of rape myths. There are a lot of wrong messages about what constitutes agreement to sex. Important reminder here that the ways we dress and the locations we go to do not equate consent. Being attractive is NOT consent. Simply being in any location is NOT consent. Having a few drinks is NOT consent. Sitting in someone's car is NOT consent. Being in someone's home is NOT consent. It is not legitimate for anyone to view the circumstances of a scene as the same thing as consent to sexual acts.
Likewise, rape myths can involve a slippery slope mentality about consent, which is harmful. They paint a picture of one thing inevitably and reliably leading to another, which is simply unfair. Talking is NOT consent to sex. Flirting is NOT consent to sex. Hugging is NOT consent to sex. Kissing is NOT consent to sex. This is not a non-stop train that once you board, you must wait till it reaches the end of the line to disembark from. There may be a starting point, but there is no requirement to go anywhere near any sort of ending location.
Some rape myths cause damage by suggesting that sex is equivalent to some sort of trade agreement, where one person is allowed to expect and seek out sex in exchange for something that person thought they provided. Sex is not for bartering, it is not a currency system, and should never be viewed as anything owed to anyone. Having a meal with someone is NOT consent to sex. Being in a relationship with someone is NOT consent to sex. Financial dependence is NOT consent to sex.
There are no circumstances that can induce consent. It must always be freely given. No myth can change that fact.
Absence Of Consent; THE STOP SIGN
Without consent, any an all attempts to sexually interact with another are inappropriate. If a person has said, "No," "I don't want to," "Stop," "Please don't," "I can't do this," "This is too much," "I'm scared," or any other version of similar sentiments, they are NOT consenting to proceed. If a person is pulling away, pushing a person off, attempting to discontinue interaction, or moving hands away from them or parts of their body, they are NOT consenting to proceed. If a person looks scared, is crying, holding their breath, hyperventilating, or immobile, they are NOT consenting to proceed.
If a person has already expressed that they do not consent to an action taking place, it is not ok to attempt to coerce or pressure the person into changing their mind. If the only way a yes is eventually given is after the person is coerced or pressured into saying yes, then it's NOT consent. A forced yes is not a real yes. A yes not authentically given does not indicate that the person feels safe to proceed. Yes only means yes when it is freely given, without pressure, threat, or demand.
Any and all sexual actions taken against a person without securing true consent are wrong, they are damaging, and they are sexual assault.
Unestablished Consent; The Yield Sign
Consent is not the absence of an actual no. If some version of an actual yes is not conveyed, that's a yield sign. If a person has asked for consent and the other person has not yet responded, wait for an answer. Consent is not about thinking there's a go ahead just because there hasn't been a stop sign. It's about finding out there's a green light before beginning. There must be certainty that the other person equally wants to proceed.
Positive Consent; The Green Light
All versions of true consent are offered or given freely, without pressure. There are several ways to express consent. The most straightforward version of consent is verbal. Consent can be stated in general or specific and descriptive terms. Consent can be expressed by literally stating one's interest in a particular activity, asking the other person if they likewise have interest in the proposed activity, or providing an affirmative answer to the other person's question related to sharing interest in the activity they have suggested.
For some people, the thought of literally stating or asking specifics feels daunting or embarrassing, and it is legitimate to feel that way. Though we shouldn't need to feel embarrassed about sex, I recognize that it is a taboo matter in a lot of ways, and because of that, there has been a lot of internalized shame and guilt around interest in sex. For this reason, and others, some people do not feel comfortable with voicing their sexual interests. It's not a requirement to be able to specify overt descriptions if that just isn't a comfort zone. But it is imperative that some version of words are clearly stated that express interest in sexual interaction with someone if engagement is sought or agreed to.
Whether the consent being sought is either stated as interest or asked as a question, all versions require an agreement or an answer prior to proceeding.
Person 1: Positive consent interest statements: "I want to...," "I'd like to...," or "I'd love to..."
Person 2: Positive consent agreement: "Yes," "Me too," "Let's," "I want to," "I'd like to," or "I'd love to."
Person 1: Positive consent questions: "Do you want to...?," "Can we...?," or "Are you interested in...?"
Person 2: Positive consent answers: "Yes," "Lets," "I want to," "I'd like to," or "I'd love to."
Consent Is Not A One Way Street
*Any person involved must express consent prior to any actions.*
For any sexual activity to be ok, consent from every person involved is a minimum requirement. Consent given from only one person is not enough. Consent must be clearly expressed by each person, prior to anything happening.
Sometimes consent is mutually sought by everyone involved, and if that is the case, it is up to each person to secure consent from each other prior to sexual involvement. Sometimes, consent is sought by one person, and if that is the case, it is upon that person to secure consent prior to sexual interaction, and if consent is not given, to respect that by not attempting the proposed action OR ANY OTHERS. It is crucial that each partner who would potentially engage in any sort of sexual contact is on the same page about what will happen. Basically, consent is all about knowing what's about to take place, knowing that the other person also knows what's about to take place, and knowing that each person wants to be doing that together.
Consent Is A Toll Road
Even if consent is freely given, it is not an open pass. Consenting to one interaction is NOT the same as consenting to another experience and it's definitely NOT the same as consenting to everything. Consenting to something in one circumstance does NOT provide consent in all circumstances. Consenting to something in the past does NOT guarantee consent to something in the future.
The consent process also continues beyond initiation. For each new intention, consent needs to be verified. It's critical to check in about next choices to ensure that everyone involved feels ok to proceed if circumstances are about to shift. Simple ways to seek consent while already sexually involved include questions such as, "Is it ok to...?" or "Can we...?" prior to attempting such an idea.
On The Road Of Consent, U-Turns Are Legal
It is essential for everyone to understand that consent, once given, CAN BE TAKEN AWAY, upon the discretion of anyone involved in formerly consensual acts. Interest in beginning something does not mean that a person must continue to participate if they no longer feel comfortable, safe, interested, or any other reason. It is ok to stop doing something after it has started. There's nothing that should ever make anyone feel required to keep going if doing so is not right for that individual. No one should have to try to be ok with something they are not ok with.
No matter what, and regardless of what anyone else wants, we all have a right to the safety of our bodies, and we do not have to do anything with our bodies or allow anyone to do anything to our bodies that we don’t want to happen. We are allowed to have a full say in what our bodies do, and if we do not want to be doing something, we are allowed to stop altogether, at any point in time.
Consent Revolution
It is time that everyone learn that verbal and freely offered consent from those who are legitimately able to give consent is the gold standard of consent. It allows for clarity of intention to be expressed between people and should be offered by all involved prior to anything happening, in addition to each time a new act is suggested, prior to beginning anything else. Furthermore, it is fully within each of our rights to change our minds about what we are comfortable consenting to, to be respected, regardless of our decisions to continue or to stop, and to have our choices heard, believed, and responded to in ways that uphold our dignity.
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Please see my next post about my process of empowerment after sexual trauma.
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