20. The Cycle Of Abuse
Updated: Oct 18, 2023
**Trigger warning: In this post, I mention the abusive cycle sometimes involved in traumas. I do not write any explicit descriptions.**
Who Would Choose To Sexually Traumatize?
Some people enact sexual violence intentionally, maliciously, and without any remorse, knowing full well the type of harm they inflict. Some people actually feel entitled to their choices, or think them appropriate, or even acceptable, which they aren't. Other people enact sexual abuse without even recognizing that their decisions are in fact traumatizing others. Regardless of what the person thinks or realizes their intentions are, there is one common theme that motivates all sexual assault inflicted upon others, and that theme is power and control.
There are people who experience feeling as if they have little or no power and want more, formerly had power and want to regain it, or want to feel in control for the first time because they never felt that way before. There are many healthy ways of dealing with this void, and many people are able to find safe and appropriate ways to facilitate empowerment in their lives without injuring others. Other people attempt to feel their power by tormenting others. In some cases, this decision is intentional, in an attempt to feel powerful over others. In other cases, motivations are disconnected from the reality of the impact such choices can have on others.
Any time a person engages in sexual acts that either cannot be consented to, fail to receive consent, or are blatantly nonconsensual, that person has placed their own will above another’s well-being, which is a demonstration of an abuse of power and control. With that disrespectful choice, the person becomes a perpetrator of sexual offense.
Injury & Further Injury
It has been said that, “Hurt people hurt people,” meaning that if a person has been harmed, that person may then spread the effects of the wounds onto others. This is considered perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Like a virus, it can be dangerously contagious, and can create large ripples of effects in many additional lives. It is a toxic disease, but it can be eradicated if treated in time.
We can't simply shake off bad things that have happened to us, and because of the stickiness of traumas, many of us walk through life carrying residuals of that pain with us wherever we go. Ignoring or trying to forget frightening or distressing events is not the same as "Getting over them." Physical, sexual, emotional, and mental anguish might be unremembered by those whose brains basically shut off access to such memories in self-preservation attempts to survive, yet whether or not our conscious minds remember, our bodies do not forget. Our bodies store these memories, and because such memories endure within us, we don't truly forget the horrible events. When they live on, they can cause distress in our lives in ways we may not even be conscious of.
I do not suggest that everyone who is traumatized will amplify further destruction. Not everyone who is abused will become a perpetrator. However, left unaddressed, wounds create potential for further devastation. Although many people never reach such extreme states, when people suffer and do not receive appropriate support to cope with what they've been through, they are at risk of continuing a pattern of inflicting pain, either upon themselves or others. Self-inflicted injuries include substance abuse, eating disorders, or self-harm, while other-inflicted injuries include verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual violence or assault against others.
A Disturbing Realization
At a certain point in my healing, it occurred to me that some of the people I have hated with such tremendous venom for sexually brutalizing so many people, may be survivors as well. Some perpetrators may have actually suffered sexual abuse at the hands of others previously in their lives, though I have no way of knowing how many people this might apply to. With that thought, something shifted in my mindset which caused me to see a larger part of the problem.
If they are survivors, it means that they personally know the damage they enact, which makes it all the more disturbing that they have sexually attacked others. If they are survivors, it seems unlikely that they ever received appropriate support to address the grievous harm done to them, though this does not excuse their decisions to take their anger out on others. If they are survivors, it exemplifies the potential for extreme consequences that sexual violence can introduce into a person's life, and shows that suffering without help could lead them toward extending such horror to others. If they are survivors, they deserve to learn the distinction between the wrong messages they internalized as a result of cruelty and the truth about who they really are, and they, too, deserve to heal from their traumas. And to be sure, if they are survivors, it is their duty to end their succession of abuse, and all the more urgent for them to make intentional and intensive amends to those they have violated.
In addition to sexual damage, I think it's relatively likely that some abusers may have suffered from other forms of non-sexual horror, such as physical violence or emotional neglect. The types of wounds suffered all hold potential for fueling continued destruction. Again, it is not appropriate to suggest that anyone who has suffered will enact such a sequence. It is the way we deal with our wounds that determines whether or not they will end with us or introduce more problems. The crucial piece of information is that, left unaddressed, they can wreak tremendous havoc. It is still possible to address the past and heal from it to eliminate any potential for further spreading negative consequences. However, for any of us to be able to prevent an extension of our traumas, we need help to combat their effects in our lives.
Ending The Cycle
My belief is that the only way to heal the past is to address it, and that addressing it is the only way to prevent perpetuating further damage. There are many methods of dismantling the effects of fear, harm, and negative messages about the self, and not necessarily one right answer for everyone. In order to avoid the potential for the original events to live on, it is imperative that we take them seriously, seek help in addressing them, and become intentional about the ways we attempt to cope with them. When survivors receive adequate trauma-informed support, this facilitates a level of resourcing needed to heal the wounds and put an end to the toxic cycle.
What happens when we are able to end the cycle? It means that we do not contribute to harming anyone else. Other-directed abuse is not the only method of wounding additional people. Self-inflicted harm hurts ourselves, plus those who love us. Healing from our traumas reduces the likelihood of destructive behaviors that might injure others, while helping ourselves in the process.
Sexual abuses not only torment us, but they also put unfair disadvantages upon us, and it's our additional burden to deal with the aftermath. No one has ever deserved sexual exploitation, and no one should ever have to attempt to heal from it, yet healing is the only option for those of us who decide to end the power of the traumas in our lives. When we heal from these large wounds, we are preventing the potential for a ripple effect of misery in our lives and the lives of others. We are not just healing ourselves; we are reminding others of the possibility for healing in their lives as well. The more we all heal, the better.
Visual Inspiration
Changing Patterns in the Sand
To Continue Reading
Please see my next post about the influence of PTSD in my life.
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