15. The Myths That [Are Designed To] Mislead

Oct 28, 2019

7 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

There's a lot of teal here. Some of it is darker and some of it is lighter; different shades of teal.

**Trigger warning: In this post, I write about sexual traumas, and mention some of them by name. I do not write any explicit details.**

Mythology

We often hear stories about sexual brutality that actually serve to undermine and confuse us. Rape myths are comprised of misleading or incomplete information, or outright lies. They are culturally disseminated to the point that we become so familiar with them that we may become susceptible to accepting them as truth, but they do not represent the truth. There are many rape myths currently in circulation. This post is focused on several commonly circulated rape myths.

Many of us have been taught through societal messages that sexual attack is limited to certain parameters, and that other types of dynamics outside of one specific nightmare "aren't bad enough to count." During the bulk of my lifetime, in my country and culture, rape meant something scary involving sexual injury against a person's will. It was often reported with a narrow definition, usually involving an attack from a stranger, a certain level of violence and physical force, and the assumption of a male perpetrator victimizing a female. This minimal account is an example of a rape myth, not because of what it describes; it's a myth because of what it fails to include. All of those listed factors can and do portray a version of sexual assault, yet they are not the ONLY representation of it. They do not reflect the many other circumstances that also happen and are likewise horrible. What about all the sexual damage that does not fall within this insufficient and widely distributed narrative about rape? And also, what about those who survive different forms of sexual trauma, such as abuse or molestation?

Truth

All unwanted sexual contact is wrong, whether or not people believe it to match their templates that are based on commonly held perceptions about rape. All versions "count", no matter who the perpetrator is and who is victimized. I can verify that just because an event does not follow a particular script of a commonly believed definition of sexual violence, doesn't mean it isn't rape.

Sexual injury exists on an awful spectrum, and there are profuse ways that sexual abuse and violence have been inflicted against so many of us. An inadequate definition doesn't suffice when detailing this problem because the range of acts that sexually traumatize are many. It is appropriate, instead, to understand sexual brutality as a broad category with a range of cruelties that all share the key feature of involving sexual acts of any nature that were unsolicited, unwanted, opposed or that a person was unaware of or unable to give consent to, and thus never agreed to prior to the acts taking place.

It isn't always a stranger. It is also sexual assault if the damage is inflicted by someone known: an acquaintance, a friend, a partner, a spouse, a family member, a neighbor, a co-worker, or a boss. It doesn't always involve physical force. It is also sexual violence if it involves other methods of force: abuse of power, emotional manipulation, preying upon those under the influence of substances or otherwise unable to defend themselves, or threats to safety. It isn't always a male perpetrator and a female survivor. It is also sexual abuse if there's a female perpetrator and a male survivor, a male perpetrator and a male survivor, or a female perpetrator and a female survivor. It is also sexual trauma if it involves molestation. Not all sexual injury is from rape, yet every facet of sexual exploitation that transpires is wrong.

Who Do The Myths Protect?

A narrow definition of sexual violence might seem like an accidental oversight, or based on some sort of statistic regarding the majority of cases, but I think it is neither a mistaken failure to include all examples, nor an accurate representation of the most commonly occurring manifestation of awful. I believe that a widely disseminated insufficient portrayal of sexual attack has been a subversive act to discredit, downplay, and ignore survivors, in an attempt to lessen the perception that there is a problem. If people think the only "real" profile of rape includes the series of criteria outlined in the first paragraph, they are less likely to believe survivors when we speak up about wounds that do not perfectly fit within those specifications.

Of course, some of the oblivious mindset about sexual trauma is fear related. Some people are too afraid to acknowledge the many ways sexual cruelty happens because doing so would cause them to take a second look at what is going on around them. This might perhaps compel them to intervene, which could take a lot of energy and attention, and could also feel overwhelming and scary. Or, if they felt incapable of making a positive difference, that could feel discouraging and depressing. It might feel safer to tell themselves that everything is ok, but everything is not ok.

There is also a larger problem than fear behind the long-standing blind eye toward the reality of both the variety and prevalence of sexual offenses. Power is a major part of the silence problem. There are power imbalances that are wielded against people, often those who are more vulnerable to exploitation. These can include dynamics such as age, gender, sex, race, relationship status, citizenship status, employment status, and more. People may be less likely to speak up about imposed harm due to the control leveraged against them during their abuse. When those holding more clout become abusers, they have, for a long time, been more likely to get away with predatory behavior because their influence results in others being less likely to question their authority or actions. Ignoring truth allows perpetrators to carry on unchecked. Thankfully, that is finally starting to shift.

Who Do The Myths Harm?

What happens when we don't know that sexual assault can involve more than one particular context? We might think anything outside of that box doesn't exist, and may therefore not anticipate that it can follow other patterns. I will not say this could make us more susceptible to injury, because I do not believe the responsibility is on us to avoid injury; I believe the responsibility is on everyone to not commit acts of sexual cruelty upon anyone else. It should never need to be any of our jobs to constantly be on the lookout to prevent or ward off sexual harm, but it can be helpful for us to know that it can take various forms. That way, we are less likely to be blindsided by something we didn't even know could happen. But again, it should not be on us to need to play defense in the first place.

What happens when all of the examples of sexual violence are not acknowledged, publicized, or widely known throughout our societies? A lot of survivors might feel like their injustices don't qualify as the sexual crimes that they truly are. If a survivor doesn't even know they are a survivor, what are the chances of that person seeking help and support to heal? Pretty low. In fact, in a recent study conducted on college campuses throughout America, the majority of people who revealed that they had endured some version of sexual assault also described not seeking help because they thought that what happened to them didn't meet criteria for being a serious crime. When a person is victimized, yet perceives their injury as not legitimate enough to warrant help, it can result in them believing they aren't deserving of support, but all survivors deserve support.

What happens when survivors don't realize that what we survived were crimes? We might potentially blame ourselves for the violations committed against us. If we realize that our traumas were unlawful acts, it's easy to identify perpetrators, and know we are not responsible for their actions. But if we don't recognize that what happened to us were crimes, it may prevent us from recognizing the same logical and correct answer of who is to blame for what happened to us. It creates a grey area, where we might think that we are to blame, which of course, we aren't.

Embracing Truth

Sexual trauma is a chronic problem all over the globe, and the less it is acknowledged, the more it scars survivors, and facilitates a continuation of wrongdoing. Part of the reason there are so many of us is related to the mass failure to acknowledge the multitudes of contexts that constitute sexual harm. When we decide that one person's trauma is valid, but another person's isn't, we are essentially saying that one person is real and another person doesn't exist. How do we prevent these atrocities from happening if we are unwilling to see all of the ways they are occurring? How do we solve a problem if we don't see the extent of the plight?

Sexual wrongdoing is real and has disrupted lives, perhaps throughout the history of humanity, but I have no official way of knowing when it began. It is not a new problem, but for a long time, it hasn't been paid the attention it warrants. Those acts that go un-noticed or are actively hidden do tremendous damage, not only to survivors specifically, but to societies that fail to recognize the injustice taking place. All forms of sexual abuse and assault are destructive, and a population with so many of us suffering from that damage should elicit attention and action on par with a public health crisis.

Until recently, the incidence of sexual harm was not given much air time. The full size of its prevalence, nor the destruction is creates, were rarely widely acknowledged. These days, in some communities, people are having these conversations for the first time, and in other communities, people are having conversations to a larger extent than they previously did. This shift in acknowledgment is strongly influenced by the MeToo Movement, drawing attention to the scope of the damage and the impacts on the lives of so many of us. There is not just one narrative of a survivor. We represent every walk of life, and all of our traumas are valid, no matter who we are or the specifics of our circumstances. I am proud to be a part of this conversation taking place.

#MeToo

#RapeMyths