22. No More Silence

Nov 15, 2019

5 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

Sounds are loudest in a quiet background.

**Trigger warning: In this post, I mention some of the harmful and wrong messages that are circulated against survivors. I do not write any explicit descriptions.**

The Messages That Aim To Discredit

There has been so much abuse. The obvious question is, why didn't we all know this was such an extensive problem sooner? Part of the reason is that rape myths have long circulated with messages that attempt to silence survivors by efforts to invalidate our traumas. The more people believe the myths, the less likely they are to believe and support survivors when we speak up. Many survivors have been dissuaded from speaking up. Failure to believe survivors, a severe tendency to blame survivors for the crimes committed against us, and a painful propensity to downplay the harmful effects of assault have been extensive problems that have perpetuated this phenomenon. Those who have refused to hear the truth have ranged from friends to parents to teachers to police authorities to judges.

What messages have survivors learned by looking around us and seeing how others are not believed? Spoiler alert: We've learned a multitude of dangerous lies about ourselves. The message to those of us who have been affected by sexual trauma has long been that we will not be believed, and we should therefore keep silent. Silence reinforces guilt, shame, and hiding, which serve to disempower a person who has survived such harm. Power is wielded against people any time sexual abuse happens, which is already innately demoralizing, and silencing people after that has happened only further undermines, which is the opposite of what anyone needs during the recovery process. All that misinformation accuses us of what we cannot be liable for. If we hold ourselves responsible for other peoples malicious actions, how can we recover from our wounds? It threatens our healing by preventing us from finding peace with ourselves.

Conditions That Foster Silence

I can think of a variety of motivations for not speaking up, and each of them can feel very real to survivors. I've included several factors which may influence whether or not survivors speak up, though this list is not exhaustive. I'd like to encourage any survivors who might resonate with these reasons, or others I haven't mentioned, to consider that perhaps speaking up might be helpful for healing.

There may be inaccurate concepts of blame that survivors have internalized to a point of not speaking up. For some, voicing that something bad happened might seem like accepting fault, even though survivors are never at fault. More specifically, people may anticipate being blamed for what happened, because far too often, survivors are treated as if we are the criminals, but it is 100% backwards to hold survivors responsible for other peoples crimes.

There may be emotional manipulation at play that frightens survivors into silence. For some, voicing that something bad happened might feel unsafe, due to power dynamics. If the person who is the abuser is in a position of power, either within the family, such as an older sibling, cousin, parent, or guardian, or within the community, such as a neighbor, teacher, or coach, then revealing exploitation may carry additional senses of threat.

There may be a level of panic that survivors wish to avoid by attempting to either hide from or forget memories. For some, voicing that something bad happened might be too distressing to talk about. Remembering painful events can be excruciating, and it can be emotionally exhausting to attempt to voice aloud. Survivors may already feel terrified about what happened, and this could be exacerbated if they are suffering from flashbacks or nightmares.

There may be a level of either expectation to not rock the boat or lack of a sense of safe connections needed to facilitate honest and upsetting conversations. For some, voicing that something bad happened might include a perception of bothering other people. This may be related to cultures where light conversations are the norm, so bringing up trauma may seem daunting by contrast to the usual placid subjects that are talked about. It may also be related to discerning a less than welcoming environment to speak up if relationships with others either don't feel particularly caring or if people don't seem especially emotionally available.

Ending Silence

We cannot be responsible for the actions of perpetrators. You can only control your own actions, and the responsibility for any actions taken by another rest only and completely on their own shoulders. It's not your fault, no matter if the person who wronged you told you it was, no matter how others respond to you, and no matter if anyone has yet believed you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Even if the person who abused you claims to care about you or love you, if you are underage and they are attempting anything sexual, their actions are wrong. This applies to all family members and all people in leaderships roles. You deserve real love, without any harm. If you are afraid that they will get in trouble, I have to tell you that them potentially getting in trouble is far better than you continuing to suffer. You deserve much better treatment from everyone in your life.

It's imperative to find a way to address damage. You don't have to talk about anything until you are ready, and only within a context that is comfortable for you and to the extent that is right for you. You can decide which parts of your ordeal you are able to talk about, and you can choose words that convey your story. Being able to voice that you have lived past trauma does a lot to help the healing process, and to aid in receiving support.

It's good to be mindful about people's time and energetic availability, but it is vital to seek help as well, and that requires talking to people in some way. It's ok to tell people who care about you that your life has been affected by sexual harm, even if you don't talk with them extensively about it. They may be able to help you find additional resources to support your healing. This can include hotlines, local safe shelters, and therapists who are trained to offer guidance and support. It's crucial for survivors to have safe people to talk to who can help.

Time For Sound

At this time, many people are intentionally working to dismantle harmful social teachings ingrained in our country's mindset surrounding sexual assault. The Movement has brought media attention to the traumas that many people have endured. Any mindset that contributes toward perpetuating sexual injury must be dismantled. There's no more place for silence. It's time for sound.

#MeToo

#NoMoreSilence