23. My Voice Is Clear

Nov 19, 2019

5 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

Sunlight illuminates the truth of these flowers.

**Trigger warning: In this post, I mention some of the damaging messages I'm counteracting. I do not write any explicit descriptions.**

My Reliable Companion

I value my voice and consider myself fortunate to know it well. I'm also thankful that I grew up with a strong awareness of it, and a pronounced familiarity with applying it to ask questions, describe my experiences, and state my hopes and concerns. My verbal connection facilitates tremendous learning, supports personal expression, and fortifies my sense of self. I'm grateful that we are such good friends and that the intensity of our connection always keeps us together. I appreciate and embrace my instrument in many forms that began with uttered words, and continues to evolve and expand into additional variations.

Having a voice is more complex than it might seem. It's not just vocal cords and breath. That's the literal version, but there's also energetic form. It's communicated through far more means than only speaking. Even when I'm quiet, I can still perceive the sound of my words within. During a time when I was unable to speak, I could hear my inner voice telling me that the abuse was wrong. This inner narrator is always available to process my thoughts, feelings, and memories. It's sometimes what helps me reach painful understandings and other times what surprises me with delightful revelations.

I also credit the solidity of this relationship with my voice for guiding me toward a way to express my truth once again. Beyond my internal articulations, I benefit from another non-vocal illustration as well, which I express through my writing. Written form transposes my thoughts in ways that sometimes astound me. My ability to gather and arrange words allows me a way to find personal clarity as well as a means for sharing insights. It's a method for expression and a tool for realizing personal strength. When I write my testimony, I face those who would keep me silent and say, “No. I'm not going to be quiet. You do not control me." In doing so, I detach further layers of trauma and embrace my capability. I continue to speak up through my writing.

Contributions To My Healing

Though I wish I could go back in time and prevent my sexual assault, what took place cannot be deleted. A profound aspect of sharing my story is that, while it can't erase a painful offense, it helps to dissolve some of the effects of that traumatic event's impact on my life. It's a crucial gift that connects me to one of the most important elements of healing from sexual trauma, hope. I find hope as I regain a sense of freedom often revealed through self-expression.

My voice reminds me with certainty that: sexual assault never should have occurred in my life, I wasn't at fault for the derogatory choices of another person, the way I was disrespected is not a reflection of who I am, someone's decision to abuse me could not tarnish anything about me, I'm resilient, I'm larger than the trauma or it's impacts, I always deserve respect, I deserve peace, I deserve a fresh start without residual fear looming over me, wounds cannot determine my life course, I will continue to move through and past my injury until it is so far behind me that I can barely even recognize it from such a distance, I'm not alone, I'm doing the work of so many survivors to shed the dampening cloak of damage to my body, self-perception, and spirit, and all of us survivors deserve triumphant empowered healing.

Projecting My Voice

This voice of mine is especially motivated to extend beyond my personal life in the hope that it reaches other survivors. My awareness evokes ultimate truths which extend beyond myself, that: sexual trauma is universally wrong under all circumstances, regardless of who you are, your age, gender identity, skin color, state of consciousness, level of sobriety, intellectual capacity, mental health, clothing choices, profession, country, town, or neighborhood where you live, what anyone ever says otherwise, any words used against you, or any possible condition or context.

I believe it bears repeating that everything I tell myself with my reclaimed voice also applies to survivors reading this, so I'd like to remind you that: sexual abuse should never have occurred in your life, you weren't at fault for the derogatory choices of other people, the way you were disrespected is not a reflection of who you are, people's decisions to abuse you could not tarnish anything about you, you are resilient, you are larger than the traumas or their impacts, you always deserve respect, you deserve peace, you deserve a fresh start without residual fear looming over you, wounds cannot determine your life course, you will continue to move through and past your injuries until they are so far behind you that you can barely even recognize them from a distance, you are not alone, you are doing the work of so many survivors to shed the dampening cloak of damage to your body, self-perception, and spirit, and you and every other survivor deserve triumphant empowered healing.

Our Voices Are Powerful

My voice is a manifestation of something we each possess. We are all able to express ourselves, which can include putting words to our experiences and finding other creative outlets that convey our meanings. We are also able to either, attain for the first time or restore, feelings of empowerment. We can each access the strength of hope: hope to move through the pain, hope to move into healing, hope to transform into vibrance, and hope to thrive. Thriving is where we all belong.

Our voices can create tremendous impacts, start extensive sequences of events, and secure lasting changes. For those of us silenced in any way from sexual traumas, reclaiming our voices means so much more than just speaking up. It means stepping out of hiding, stepping into view, acknowledging that we were wronged, radiating that we are survivors, and removing the ability of our traumas to hold the final say in determining the rest of our lives. It means taking back our autonomies, and ending the effects of abuse by recovering our power. Abusers and pain cannot claim the final say. Survivors and healing will always hold the final say.

#MeToo

#ReclaimingMyVoice