16. I Survived Sexual Trauma

Oct 29, 2019

3 min read

Updated: 6 hours ago

**Trigger Warning: In this post, I write about my sexual trauma, mention it by name, and include some description of my response. I do not write any explicit details.**

It Happened To Me

I survived sexual trauma, specifically, rape. I was barely an adult, but I was still very much a child. I knew that the world wasn't always safe, but I didn't necessarily expect the worst. I was young, I was full of life, and I was about to step through a portal between what I never imagined and what I can never forget.

The Set-Up

The maddening backstory involves misperception, misrepresentation, and a false sense of safety. I saw most people as friend potential, and generally gave people the benefit of the doubt. I didn't anticipate that anyone might have ulterior motives. I also thought I was a good judge of character.

I thought the context in which I became friends with someone indicated something positive about that person, but the subject matter we studied together made no difference in what would happen. I believed what I was told about that person by that person's best friend, but I didn't realize I was being fed lies. I felt completely safe being in the presence of that person because of previous experiences that indicated I was in no physical danger, but the past was not a recipe for the future. It was the perfect combination of everything I thought I needed to know about that person that indicated my safety. Quite simply, there was nothing on my radar that indicated I needed to worry. The problem with thinking I was safe in that context was that it wasn't true.

What I Never Thought Possible

It was the worst night of my life for so many reasons. I was unsuspecting after I had been misled into thinking I didn't need any defenses, someone I trusted was revealed to be unworthy of my trust, I was treated like an object for someone else's purposes, I was mortified by an act which showed severe disrespect of both my body and my character, I was harmed sexually, and I was unable to defend myself against the ultimate violation of my body. Manipulation, betrayal, and degradation. I experienced injury, humiliation, and defenselessness. It damaged me in a lot of ways, and caused havoc throughout my life. That night would echo through the years, and as it did, it picked up extra debris along the way, like a snowball rolling down a hill. By the time I started to combat the residual with mega resources, it had become larger than me and was wrecking my sanity.

The Recovery That Compels Me Forward

It has been an extended period of time since that night, but there is no way for me to forget it. Fortunately, I have received tremendous support to help me dismantle all of the wrong messages I internalized about myself in its wake. My family and friends love me, listen to me, and celebrate me. My shining brilliant lanterns fill me with hope, remind me of my worth, and champion my recovery. Amazing, somatic-oriented trauma-informed mental health professionals help me heal my energetic, emotional, and physical memories and reset my nervous system. I remind myself each day that I deserve to heal from the nightmare. I've been blessed to tell my truth to people who believe, encourage, and support me, to meet lanterns and guides along the way, and to love myself enough to believe that I deserve to heal.

My belief in and of all survivors is born from the personal experience of recognizing the tremendous damage sexual trauma caused in my life. My torment was not your torment, but in some ways, even though they are not the same, they are universal. Every survivor has made it past physical, sexual, mental, and emotional injuries. None of us should have had our lives interrupted in those ways. All of us deserve to heal from our nightmares. I wish that you, dear survivors, wake from yours.

#MeToo

#ISurvivedSexualAssault