18. Finding Strength

Nov 2, 2019

6 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

**Trigger Warning: In this post, I name my trauma specifically, and write about some of the negative messages I internalized after sexual trauma. I do not write any explicit details.**

Disempowerment

Prior to my sexual assault, I believed that I could, should, and did play a serious role in the decision making process for what my body would participate in. Before, I believed that my "no" held power. The sexual injury re-instructed me that my say didn't matter. That night overwrote my original truth. The horrible misunderstanding I developed in the wake of my sexual abuse was that I had no choice, and if another person wanted to do something with my body, I was powerless. It wrongly taught me that if I objected, it would lead to pain.

That person's choices should never have been able to convince me that anything to do with those messages were the truth, yet my previous knowledge was short-circuited. The result was that I had a new perception of the role of my choice, which could be, in essence, invalidated by another's choice. From my trauma, I had learned that my preference meant nothing within the equation of whether or not something was going to happen. But more frighteningly, I had learned that what I didn't want meant nothing to the person who decided to disrespect me through sexual harm.

My sexual assault was severely damaging because it was without my consent. I knew that what happened to me was wrong. I also, inappropriately assigned myself some responsibility for my trauma, and inaccurately interpreted that me not wanting to do something sexual seemed to have resulted in rape. My brain didn't know what to do with this message, and sought any way it could come up with to prevent future rape. I tried to avoid people with whom or situations in which I might not want to do something sexual. But that wasn't the extent of my coping mechanisms.

Triggered Responses

My early interpretations of what happened to me lead me to believe that if I didn't want to participate, I might be ignored and sexually assaulted again. I became scared to express my will, fearing that it wouldn't be respected again. My ability to stand up for myself decreased dramatically, and I became afraid of expressing my choices as freely as I had previously been able. This stemmed from the disempowerment I experienced as a result of sexual trauma, and wasn't a reflection of anyone else's safety potential.

My fear of being re-assaulted was so high that I sometimes experienced a triggered response of a need to say yes to sexual interactions that I would not have chosen for myself, with the hope that if I agreed, it could prevent rape. It was like I tried to choose the less painful option, but I didn't realize I was only seeing one option, a false perception that what someone else wanted mattered more than what I wanted. I didn't trust that my preferences mattered enough to anyone else to be respected. The problem was, I couldn't tell people apart from the person who had injured me, even when they were distinctly not that person.

Strength

Strength has so many forms, and over the years, I have worked to strengthen a variety of these areas of my life, with the intention of reminding myself of my own inner strength. The more I've strengthened myself, the more capable I feel. The stronger I feel, the better I am able to advocate for myself. The more empowered I become, the more I recognize that no one has the power to make me doubt myself, my worth, or my capacity.

Strength is physical. I've lifted weights to increase muscles. I've taken self-defense classes. I've learned how to wrestle, with the need to feel capable of fighting off an attacker. I've realized my power. I am physically strong.

Strength is mental. I've surrounded myself with positive affirmations. I've secluded myself from references to sexual violence that threatened to derail my sanity and undermine my progress. I've combatted the myths that attempted to teach me the wrong information. I've embraced by awareness. I am mentally strong.

Strength is energetic. I've conserved my energy as best as I could. I've nurtured myself. After panic attacks, I've shown myself care, and given myself the opportunity to rest and regrow energy. I've embodied my resilience. I am energetically strong.

Strength is emotional. I've talked to people I trust about how I've felt. I've welcomed their kind words, assuring me that I was going to make it through the tough times. I've cherished their expressions of support expressed to me through their time, their attention, their words of affirmation, and sometimes, their help when I've been in hopeless states. I've refueled with love. I am emotionally strong.

Strength is spiritual. I've prayed to God, to my understanding of God, and also to my lack of understanding of God. I've prayed to any spiritual or ethereal presence, in the hope of receiving help. Sometimes, my prayer has literally been, "Help, help, help!" I've received help every time I've asked for it. I've connected to my faith. I am spiritually strong.

My strength is not abnormal. It is the same strength that is within all survivors. Our strength doesn't result from our traumas. Our strength is always a part of us, and it's possible to reclaim it, even after the worst. We may not have the abilities to change the past, but we have the abilities to prevent those pasts from having the final say. We may not even be the strongest people on our own, but collectively, we are one of the strongest forces on this planet. Nothing is stronger than survivors standing up, standing together, and summoning change.

Empowerment

I have recovered from the misconception that my preferences and choices didn't matter. I found myself deep within its trenches, saw the interwoven pathways that had formed it, and finally found a way out of that mess of lies. What I want matters. My body matters. Both what I want to do with my body and what I don't want to do with my body matters. My physical integrity matters. My emotional wellbeing matters. My energetic awareness matters. My spiritual connection matters. My soul's desire matters. My feelings matter. My thoughts matter. My perception matters. My intuition matters. My interest matters. My intention matters. My decision matters. My choice matters. My voice matters.

I have both a right and a duty to myself to believe I deserve respect and to expect that I should be treated with respect. I now feel more protective of my body and my safety than I previously did. I now use my voice to express what I want and what I don't want. I now feel actually stronger and more confident than before, in great part because I have had to cultivate strength to support myself in dealing with fear.

I finally realized the self-sabotaging pattern that developed in response to sexual trauma, and have worked very intentionally to dismantle it, re-wire it, and end the subsequent injury it caused. I now fully recognize that the responsibility for my sexual trauma was only and ever with the person who abused me. Nothing I did or didn't do caused my rape. My decisions about what I do and do not consent to must come from a truly authentic place within me that is rooted in my sense of safety, strength, and belief in my rights. There is a part of me that still wishes I knew the magic answer to prevent sexual assault, but I have come to realize that if there is any possible solution, it must involve shifting these conversations to focus not on would-be survivors and our need to ward off evil, but on would-be perpetrators and their need to not enact evil.

#MeToo

#FindingStrength