19. Where The Blame Belongs

Nov 4, 2019

5 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

No matter how much or little you can see of the moon, it's there. Not being able to see it doesn't mean it disappears.

**Trigger warning: In this post, I mention blaming techniques used against survivors of sexual trauma. I do not write any explicit descriptions.**

Who is to blame for sexual assault?

Anyone who enacts sexual abuse upon another is to blame for their actions. This is an absolute statement. There is nothing about anyone's lives that elicits abuse. All abuse shown to anyone only and severely reflects horribly upon those who take abusive action against others.

All the accountability lies fully with every perpetrator, regardless of if the person fully recognizes that their actions harmed, is slightly aware that something they have done wasn't consensual, or is completely oblivious to any or all wrongdoing. There should never be any doubt that choosing to enact sexual trauma against anyone else is always wrong. No one should ever be victimized.

All the fault belongs only to every perpetrator, regardless of the location of the crime, the clothing of the person wronged, the relationship between the perpetrator and the person being abused, or any other circumstantial information. There is never any reason to harm another. No one deserves to be sexually exploited.

All the responsibility for what happened is solely with every perpetrator, regardless of if the person being injured attempts to fight, attempts to flee, or is unable to move. It is not the responsibility of survivors to defend against attack. There should never be a need to defend ourselves. Sexual violence should never be attempted against anyone in the first place.

All the liability falls squarely upon the shoulders of every perpetrator, regardless of if it is the only time they've sexually injured another, the first time, one of many times, or the last time. There should never be any times. Sexual assault should never happen to anyone.

Whenever anyone puts their own will over that of others by choosing sexual actions that others do not agree to, they show severe disrespect, aggression, and attempts to control and humiliate. All of these injure those of us who suffer the sexual abuse. Every example of sexual harm very clearly proves that perpetrators are responsible through this simple fact; if the perpetrators hadn't committed the acts, no one would have been harmed. The fact that there is a victim in each situation proves that there was a perpetrator. It then falls on the shoulders of survivors to recover from the damage.

Good and Bad Are Not Exclusive

I used to think there were many distinctions between someone who does not sexually traumatize others and someone else who sexually exploits others, yet the actual difference between abuse and safety is in the choice of conduct, not necessarily the person. It is more realistic to acknowledge the many distinctions between when a person chooses to sexually injure others, and when that same person chooses different options that respect others. While I fully believe that anyone who sexually harms takes measures against others that are awful, I'd like to point out the difference between their behavior being bad and the people themselves being bad. Honestly though, there are some people that it would be extremely challenging to argue might be good people after the forms of awful they've committed.

A Good Reputation Isn't A Guarantee

There are some people who repeatedly traumatize others or traumatize multiple people, and it's easy to view them as predatory, but they do not account for the full extent of the people who perpetuate sexual trauma throughout our planet. Sometimes, it is the people who otherwise appear to be trustworthy who harm others sexually. We tend to base our expectations of people on our previous interactions with them. We sometimes use an example of a person’s behavior and generalize it to make assumptions that cannot necessarily be made. Just because a person acts peacefully in one context does not prove that they interact with everyone respectfully in all contexts.

A person is capable of disrespecting someone on a Saturday night, perhaps within a context that involves alcohol or other substances, and treating another with respect on a Sunday morning, say at church. A person who makes appropriate, safe, respectful choices in relation to one person, does not necessarily do the same with every other person they encounter. Likewise, a person who treats someone with respect and upholds boundaries during a particular time frame may not necessarily do so or have done so in a different time frame with another person. Again, a person who treats someone well and with respect at one point in time could treat that same person very differently and awfully at a different point in time. It can be potentially painful to recognize that a person you believe to be “good” can be the same person who has inflicted sexual cruelty, but sometimes, that is the case.

Choice

Capability is entirely different than choice. We humans are capable of many things; some are amazing, and others are awful. We all hold the potential for positive and negative actions. Any sexual action begins with a choice, and under the appropriate circumstances, it only starts after a mutual decision process, where everyone participating has equal say and agrees. When a person does not sexually traumatize others, that expresses respect of others’ choices, interests, and well-being. When a person does sexually traumatize others, that expresses disrespect of others’ choices, interests, or well-being. Yes, the same person is capable of making both choices.

Self-Control

Can people control themselves? Yes. Do people always control themselves? No. Do sexual attacks perpetuate the myth that people cannot control themselves? Yes. Can perpetrators control themselves, but chose not to? Yes. When people become perpetrators, they cross the line between making decisions that convey positive self-restraint and making decisions that imply a failure of self-mastery, but it is only the decision to abuse that causes the result. Those that perpetuate the myth of people being unable to stop themselves from abusing others are basically saying it's unavoidable and giving perpetrators a free pass to harm anyone under the guise of inability to master self-control. This is every kind of wrong.

Here's the key fact; all decisions about the ways we treat others are within the sole control of each individual person and decisions can be made that either respect or disrespect. If a person feels that they cannot control themselves, it is their responsibility to take themselves away from anyone they might harm. Feeling unable to control oneself is not an excuse to abuse, nor does it misplace any responsibility for wrongdoing upon survivors.

Important Reminder

Each of us deserves to be treated with respect in each and every context, under any and all circumstances. There is no reason that anyone should ever enact sexual violence upon anyone else.

#MeToo

#EndVictimBlaming