7. Not Alone

Oct 3, 2019

5 min read

Updated: May 4, 2024

We are closer to each other than we often realize.

**Please note: In this post, I do not write about specific traumas. I never write any explicit details.**

Connection

If you have survived sexual trauma, and you feel alone, I’d like to remind you that you are not alone. You may not have told anyone about what happened to you, so you might think that no one is aware or cares, but I’m here to tell you that there are other survivors out there who may not know you or your story, but believe you that something has happened to you. You are part of a huge network of survivors. Those of us who personally know the pain of sexual abuse are linked to each other by what happened to us, and that creates an interconnection between us all.

It's unfortunately common for a person who has endured sexual trauma to feel isolated, to think that no one else could possibly relate or understand, to refrain from speaking up about what happened, or even to hide, if not literally, emotionally, from others. For me, it felt like I stepped through some sort of force field between my normal life and a different life after sexual harm disrupted my reality. Strangely, I could look through that force field and see that everyone else around me was still living on the original side of the plexiglas-like barrier that now seemed to separate us. It felt hard to relate to those around me because I could no longer resonate with lives that had never been affected by sexual injury. I felt cut-off from my community and that led me to want to wall off my heart and spirit from connecting with people. I felt like no one could possibly understand my pain, fear, and the level of profound devastation I suffered.

I didn't realize at the time that there were others around me who had also been affected by related injuries. Feeling solitary because of sexual trauma was actually an optical illusion. The plexiglass barrier I saw between myself and my community contributed to my feeling separated by preventing me from seeing that there were more people also walking around behind their own barriers. It certainly wasn't everyone, but it I wasn't the only one. As I previously mentioned in my first post, the first time I connected with another survivor, that experience drastically improved my mental wellbeing by removing my perception of being unaccompanied. I connecting with someone else who had also been through something similar to what I went through, and that process bonded me with that person in a way that can never be undone.

Opening a door through my barricade that another survivor could step through disrupted my isolation. After that, I was able to both locate and utilize my first door and I also found an ability to install additional doors and windows into my encasement when I recognized other survivors and sought connection with them. These days, I no longer feel like I live within a strange plexiglas sphere, and it's because the percentage of space that is filled with doors and windows to other survivors is now a significant portion of those curved wall-like surfaces.

The awful reality is that many of us have known some version of sexual trauma. The stats used to suggest something like 1 in every 10 people has been faced with sexual violence or abuse, and now they estimate its closer to 1 out of every 4 people. The #MeToo Movement has created a tidal wave, and each day, more and more of us are speaking up and speaking out against the awful we have gone through. If anything, I feel certain that the statistical information has still yet to accurately represent how widespread and rampant the problems really are.

I now recognize that all of us who have suffered from any sexual trauma share something. We are all survivors. I'm hoping to remind you that even though I haven't lived your life, I know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed and distressed by sexual assault that it was impossible to speak about it out loud. I know what it's like to feel all alone when I finally did find my voice and spoke up, only to see blank stares looking back at me from those who could not relate to what happened to me.

No one else has lived your life, but those of us who have endured similar traumas can relate to each other. I relate to anyone that has been through sexual trauma, whether or not it was equivalent to what happened in my life. It doesn't mean I know what it's like to battle other people's nightmares, but it does mean I feel compassion and empathy for all survivors and what they've braved. There are so many versions of sexual violence and all of them are horrible. My exact situation is not the same as anyone else’s, and your exact situation isn’t the same as anyone else’s either, but there are commonalities between us. There are parallels between the experiences of people that went through related types of abuse, and there are also similarities among all of us whose lives have included any version of sexual harm.

Can talking with other survivors be helpful? Absolutely! Is it important to check in about boundaries when sharing or holding space for someone else's share? Very much so! (I will write about that in greater detail in the future.) If you don't personally know any other survivors to talk with, does that prevent you from accessing the energetic network of the community of survivors? No! You are already a member of this group because of what you went through, though this group should never need to exist in the first place because no one should ever have to suffer sexual trauma. Whether or not you talk with any other members of this circle, you are connected with us.

If you are a survivor who has felt unaccompanied, I encourage you to notice that you are within a society of survivors. Regardless of how our stories differ from each other, we have each endured something that never should have happened to us, and because of this, we share a connection. Connection is the opposite of isolation. I hope that knowing that there are so many others out there that believe you helps you feel less lonesome if you do feel secluded. What you went through can absolutely result in feeling like you're by yourself, but it doesn’t have the right to alienate you. You are so much more than the trauma you lived beyond, you are believed by a community of survivors, and no matter what, you are not alone.

#MeToo

#NotAlone