4. I Believe You

Jul 11, 2019

6 min read

Updated: May 4, 2024

Dew drops on blades of grass are tiny, yet they have the capacity to amplify the sunlight.

Full Belief

Have you endured sexual trauma? I believe you. I believe every single thing about what happened to you, no matter what that entails. I recognize the importance of believing survivors. I recognize that it is crucial to believe ALL survivors.

**Trigger warning: In this section, I mention contexts of sexual trauma. I do not write any explicit details.**

I believe you, no matter who harmed you, no matter if that person is a family member or a friend or a significant other or a stranger, no matter how old you were, no matter how long ago or recently it happened, no matter how long the abuse lasted, no matter what your clothing choices involved, no matter the time of day or night, no matter the span of moments or years, no matter the location/s, no matter your career choices, no matter if you were aware at the time or not that what happened to you was wrong, no matter your state of mind, no matter your level of intoxication or sobriety, no matter if you initiated any contact with the person or not, no matter what your relationship with that person was or is, no matter if you froze, tried to escape or tried to fight, no matter if you went along with it out of fear or sense of obligation, no matter if you continued interacting with that person or not, no matter if you told anyone right away or not, no matter if you reported it or not, no matter if you can or cannot remember every detail, no matter if you identify as female, male, trans-feminine, trans-masculine, or non-binary, no matter if you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, or straight, no matter ANY type of reason that’s ever been used against any survivor to discredit or diminish their truth, I believe you.

The Injury of Disbelief

When we reveal something horrible we've been through and that revelation is not met with absolute belief, 100% of the time by everyone we tell, it can damage our trust. One negative message can cause extreme injury. Sexual trauma is already harmful, and it endangers survivors of being susceptible to internalizing horrible messages about ourselves. If you have ever told anyone about what happened to you and were met with either disbelief or downright awful accusations about your own character, then you have experienced the additional injury that results from being not believed about what is likely one of the most awful things that's happened in your life. This is extremely damaging to survivors.

To confide in others, only to be mocked, to have my experience dismissed, and to have it normalized to the point of it being viewed as no big deal, was a painful phenomenon that accompanied my early recovery from sexual trauma. It injured my trust in people I thought cared about me and were my friends, and from people who had previously described interest in ensuring my safety. Those types of responses emotionally injured me in ways I wasn’t fully aware of at the time, though I did feel bad, shut down, and hurt. They sent a very clear, and wrong, message to me that I was to blame, that I could expect no better, and that such crimes couldn’t be helped.

The dismissal of my trauma early in my recovery acted like a highlighter to point out how people shouldn't respond to a survivor. If those were the only types of responses I received, I might have believed those wrong messages and never dismantled them. I could have emotionally punished myself forever, and possibly never forgiven myself. I probably wouldn't have thought I could contribute anything to changing the way this is talked about. I might not have realized that anything could be done to support healing.

The Power of Belief

I wish I had been aware of resources specifically responding to sexual trauma when I was newly attempting to heal, but that was long before public service campaigns had reached my young eyes and ears. Had I known that there was a number I could call to speak with people trained to respond to survivors with kindness, belief, and compassion, I could have dialed it and accessed the type of validation I should have received from everyone I told. It might not have erased those negative responses from a few people I thought were friends, but it could have contributed toward lessening their impact on my self-perception, and that could have added to the efforts to dismantle those wrong messages.

Thankfully for me, the majority of people who I told did not respond to me in negative ways. Instead, I was fortunate to be believed, taken seriously, and cared for by many people I told, and this made a tremendous impact on me in helpful ways for my healing. When I shared my story with people who believed me and genuinely cared for my wellbeing, I was all the more appreciative of their positive responses, which were a stark contrast from those destructive negative messages of blame so ingrained within my society. It also indicated to me who my real friends were. I knew they were my people because of the way they embraced me and believed me fully.

I especially believed healing to be possible when standing with survivors, because I could feel their belief in me, just as I believed them. I received validating messages that what happened to me was wrong, that no one has a right to treat me that way, that what I want matters, that my voice matters, that the only person responsible for my sexual trauma was the person who enacted trauma against me, and that I didn’t deserve to be injured. With these affirmations welding pathways for me to walk through, healing was indeed a possibility, and I could move forward. The more positive messages from people I know and people I’ve never met that have spoken up in relation to the MeToo Movement has continued to afford me more and more steady footing as I move towards healing.

Believe Survivors

It is tremendously consequential to be mindful about how we respond to anyone who identifies as a survivor of sexual trauma. In my case, some of the positive messages took roots early on and continued to fight against the negative messages so that the positive messages won out eventually, when joined by the massive and collective positive messages of an entire movement. But what about others who, unlike me, never heard any positive messages early on in their recoveries, or ever? What about the people who have only ever heard the negative messages, the myths, and the blame? How can they attempt to recover when they are bombarded with lies, and when no one believes them? My hope is that the positive messages of believing survivors continue to travel throughout the world so that everyone becomes familiar with them, and so that no survivor ever bears the burden of attempting to heal amidst total disbelief or lack of support.

Whenever anyone self-identities as a survivor of sexual trauma, it is up to us to listen and believe. The grueling nature of victim blaming and shaming does not entice people to voluntarily sign up to have our characters scrutinized and our entire life history picked through to be used against us. If a person has spoken up, that person often anticipates not being believed, but has decided to speak up anyway because the truth needs to be said, even if few are willing to hear it.

I believe you, survivor. It's so important that you read these words, whether or not it's the first time you've been offered this message or the millionth time someone has conveyed that they believe you. You can't be told this enough. It's crucial to know that you are believed. It's vital to be reminded that your experience is real, it's valid, and it's true. I don't personally know you and I don't have to know you to feel confidence telling you that I believe you. I believe every possible detail, and all of your feelings, thoughts, sensations, and memories. I know what it is like to not be believed and I don’t wish that upon anyone. I also know what it is like to be believed and the difference is magical.

So, who am I always going to believe, one billion percent of the time? Every survivor. EVERY survivor. EVERY SURVIVOR. ALWAYS.

#MeToo

#IBelieveYou