11. Build A Web; Creating A Support Network

Oct 10, 2019

7 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

A network is stronger than a solitary strand.

**Please note: In this post, I do not write about specific traumas. I never write any explicit details.**

The Energy Required For Healing

Healing from sexual trauma takes a lot of energy, intention, hard work, and determination. It also requires a lot of help. It’s important to feel supported when embarking on a major journey, especially if it is a journey for your own healing. When it comes to feeling supported, I have found that the more resources I can access, the more I feel both supported and empowered.

Build A Web

Apologies to those with arachnophobia for the metaphor I’m about to use. In reference to my healing journey, I like to picture myself as a spider, sitting in the middle of my web. My goal is to have a very strong web that will support me in my quest for sustenance and survival. The more sites of contact the outside of my web has, the sturdier it is. When I build it, I try to include many threads reaching out in multiple directions to thoroughly distribute the weight of what the web must carry. No single thread should be responsible for my entire weight long term, though from time to time, I do need to rely on one or another for a moment as I walk across my web. When my web was small and flimsy, it often broke under the emotional burdens and I would fall out of it. Over the years, I've build stronger and stronger webs for myself, and these days, I feel confident that no matter how heavy an emotional burden I confront, my web is strong enough to hold me. That is a credit to both those who hold the ends and the fact that it's not just people fortifying it.

There are many reasons why building a web of support can be a positive endeavor. Gathering supplies is empowering. I direct the sequence of events, I play the leading role in the production, which is focused on my healing. My healing can take place in every capacity where there is a need, including the physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, energetic, and soul realms. The act of assembling resources to build a network is proactive. I compile the resources that best support me, and as I do all of this, I experience the power of inertia to propel me forward. By amassing tools, I participate in the healing journey even before I necessarily feel any healing.

Here's where the spider analogy ends. Spiders use their webs to trap their food, which are other bugs. I'm not using my web to wrangle unsuspecting people, and I could never in good conscience recommend that anyone view their metaphorical web in that way. A resource web should not be weaponized against others. The web is absolutely supposed to be a tool, but it is only an appropriate tool for our wellbeing when it is respectful of others. While both spiders and I have crafted webs to ensure our survival, I am using my web to create a place to safely hold me and nourish me, which ensures my survival and supports my healing, but I am not using it at other people's expenses.

People As Resources

People can play major roles in a healing journey. When we create supportive networks with each other, we are able to offer support to others when they are having challenges, and also ask for support during our struggles. However, it's vital to recognize that even if we don't intend to, we can sometimes end up putting a lot of pressure on a chosen person to be there, to listen, to support, to show up, and that the potential exists for that to be too much responsibility for one person. To be clear, I do not equate disclosing to someone that sexual trauma has disrupted your life with draining that person of all their energy. I recognize that there has to be a starting point before it's possible to reach out to more people. Oftentimes, it is within one-on-one dynamics that such a sense of safety can support such a conversation even taking place at all. I advocate for sharing this trust with a particular person when the trust is warranted and also when the person is both physically and energetically available to listen. I further believe in being careful with the words we share, as we may not realize if similar traumas may have been a part of their pasts, and we may also not have a sense of what information, when shared in detail, may create traumas for the listener.

If there have not been many kind people in your life, it can feel natural to gravitate toward the first person who is kind to you. It is also essential to recognize how much time and energy people have, how much they are volunteering, how much is being asked of them, and to be mindful of the full energetic exchange. We should not exploit anyone's time toward their energetic depletion. I have found that the better distributed my resources are both among people, and especially when they include a variety of non-people resources, the better I do. Rather than relying on one person, or even a few, I am able to rely on my entire web. Because I have a wide variety of resources, I am able to ask for support from others in ways that are less likely to either bother them, put unfair expectations on them, deplete them of their energy, or be disrespectful of their wellbeing.

One Person Compared With Many

The difference between having just one person to talk to as compared to an entire team of people is that when only one person attempts to carry something, it's a lot more challenging for that person to carry it than when a bunch of people are helping. There are some really strong individuals out there, but generally speaking, expecting anyone to be tremendously strong is both unfair and also less efficient. We can be super strong, but using all of our strength will tire us out a lot quicker than just using some of our strength.

I could literally carry another person on my back, probably a fair distance, but I don't kid myself that I could run a marathon while carrying anyone. In contrast, if there was a person who literally needed to be carried the distance of a marathon, let’s say someone breaks an ankle on a hike, 26 miles away from medical support and without any cell service to call for a rescue helicopter, I don't realistically believe myself able to carry that person back across the mountain trail. I would probably take the trail by myself to get help, leaving the person with the injury to wait for the return of a medical team that could help. If I did initially attempt to carry the person, at some point, I would exhaust myself. By that point when I set the injured person down, I couldn't just start running for help. I would also have to sit down and rest for a while to recuperate my energy before I could try to find help for my friend with the broken ankle.

Contrast that with if my friend and I had been hiking with a group. I feel confident that I, if partnered with several others, perhaps 3 people, would be able to share the literal weight of our injured friend in order to successfully transport that person to help. Would we need to stop every so often to update our stance or grip? Probably. Would it take a lot longer to make it to the destination than if we were just walking without being a part of the carrying team? Yes. Would it be non-negotiable for us to take our friend to medical help? 100%. And would I ever look back and regret that it took us a long time to transport our friend? Never. Why? Because we are supposed to help each other, especially in times of need.

There is a difference between helping with what we are able to offer and helping beyond our capacities. A person needing help doesn't automatically create a context in which anyone they look to for help can meet their full need for help. Sometimes the context isn't big enough to provide the help necessary. When we expect one person to save us, we might take that person down with us, especially if we aren't doing our own healing work. When we spread out our energetic asks between numerous people, we increase the likelihood of their being able to step in to help us. By avoiding a focus on one person as a savior, we also acknowledge that while there are many facets to our healing where people can bolster us, we must be the ones to put in the manual labor of building the webs we need.

Appreciating Those Who Have Helped Me

I do not delude myself by thinking that I alone am procuring my healing. When I look around at the faces of those who have held my web up, I see that so much of my strength is forged with the strength of others and so much of my power is a reflection of those who believe in me. Even when some attempted to silence me, there were those who asked me to speak, listened to what I had to say, believed me, took me seriously, and lifted me back up. If it were not for the beautiful hearts and souls of many dear people accompanying me on this path and sometimes carrying me farther than I could have made it on my own, I could not have reached this clarity, this hope, and this amount of sanity. I owe tremendous gratitude to my beloved web.

#MeToo

#SupportNetwork